How to Start a Fight

One year, I decided to  buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she  asked me why, I  replied, Well, you still haven't used the gift I  bought you last year!
And that's how the fight  started.....
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My  wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”  while we  were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to  have Sex'.  'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that  your final answer'. She didn't even look at me this  time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, Then I'd like  to phone a friend.
And that's when the fight  started...

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I  took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some  reason, took my order first. I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.
He said, Aren't you worried about the  mad cow Nah, she can order for herself.
And  that's when the fight  started.....
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My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school  reunion, and she kept  staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a  nearby table. I asked her, Do you know  him Yes, she sighed, He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we  split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober  since. My God! I said, Who would think a person  could go on celebrating that  long.
And then the fight  started...
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When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept  hinting to me that I  should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take  care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always  something  more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever  way to make  her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily  snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I  watched silently for  a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a  minute, and when I came out again I handed her a  toothbrush. I said, When  you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the  driveway. The doctors say I will walk again, but I  will always have a limp.
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My  wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels. She asked, What's on TV I said,  Dust.
And then the fight  started...
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Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped  quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was  blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned  on the  radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all  day. I went  back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped  back into  bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible. My loving wife of 5 years replied, And, can  you believe my stupid husband is  out fishing in that.
And that's how the fight  started...
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My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming   anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that  goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale.
And  then the fight  started......
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After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply  for Social  Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my  driver's License to verify my  age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my  wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and come  back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your  shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver  hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is  proof enough for me' and she  processed my Social Security application. When I got  home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social  Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped  your pants. You might have gotten  disability, too.'
And then the fight  started...
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My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to  me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and  ugly. I really need you to pay me a  compliment.' I replied, Your eyesight's damn near  perfect.
And then the fight  started...